KVE301/KVE401 Universal Human Values and Professional Ethics
Chapter 8: Harmony in Family – Understanding Values in Human Relationships
Questions in mind
How can I trust a stranger?
If we are able to see the relationship with the person at the level of ‘I’, we will see that the other person also is like us. The other person has natural acceptance for the same things as we have. He/she too wants to make himself/herself happy and wants to make us happy at the level of his intention, just as we. But he/she is unaware of this fact, just as we has been. Hence, he/she may be interacting with us based on our competence. The way out is to relate to the other person, to be able to see that at the level of natural acceptance, we are the same. We can then interact with the person based on their competence, and also help them improve their competence.
How can I trust someone who has bad intentions?
In this statement, the word ‘intentions’ is used in a different sense. When we normally use the word ‘intention’ today, we are only considering the ‘competence’ (rather lack of it), and not the real intention. For example someone may be plotting to rob a house. We may say ‘he wants to rob my house’. Actually, the person has assumed that robbing our house will make him fulfill his physical needs and be prosperous, at the level of his desires, thoughts, and expectations (selections). Because:
- He has not paid attention to his own natural acceptance at all (no one, even in education, pointed this out to him)
- Due to the unfavorable circumstances that he has grown up in, or lives in, he has assumed that robbing is right or the only way. So he goes ahead and does it.
But this is still at the level of his desires, thoughts, and selection and hence his competence (or lack of it), and not his intention or at the level of his natural acceptance. When we say that the robber ‘wants’ to rob our house, he is actually “desiring, thinking and selecting this in absence of realization and understanding”.
I know someone’s character is not good. How can I trust someone like that?
We look at someone’s behavior, what one thinks, what one does, and end up concluding on the other’s ‘character’. Whereas this is actually the lack of competence, it is at the level of desires, thoughts, and selection in ‘I’ keeps changing. Hence, people are unpredictable and we end up doubting their character. However, if we start looking at the level of the person’s natural acceptance, we find that we are all the same. So, when a person behaves badly, it is not that he/she truly wants to have a bad character; rather, he/she is just operating at the level of assumptions and beliefs – which is the competence or rather, lack of it. Character at the level of one’s competence is different from intention/natural acceptance. The former is unstable and unpredictable, the latter is definite. We have to start seeing the latter, since the former is not acceptable to us, and only leads to problems.
If I trust everyone, wouldn’t people take undue advantage of me?
On the contrary, it gives us inner strength and we become far more effective in interacting with and “dealing with different people”. This is simply because, we already are sitting with the knowledge of what the person truly wants, truly intends, even though the person may not know this himself/herself! Hence, our ability to interact with people becomes far more effective and in the process, we don’t get hurt, we don’t get disturbed, we end up becoming an aid to the other. In other words, becoming aware, having the right understanding, living with the assurance in a relationship does not mean becoming “stupid”! It only makes us, more competent. Further, what is being said here is that we have trust on the intention of everyone, but, when it comes to making a program with someone, I evaluate my competence, I evaluate his competence, and make the program accordingly. This makes me more effective.
This person can never be trusted. Be careful of that person.
This only means that the person we are talking about is someone that is under wrong assumptions, all the time! It means their competence is really lacking. The other is not aware of one’s own natural acceptance at all and hence has assumed things that only make one unhappy, but also to see the truth, to be able to access their own natural acceptance.
Never trust anyone blindly.
To be blind, means not to have the right understanding. It means we are aware of our own natural acceptance. It means we are living solely on the basis of our imagination, or our elections. Not to be blind means to be aware, to know the truth, to have the right understanding. For this, we have to start this dialogue within ourselves, between what we are, and what we really want to be.
So, you can trust anyone (for the intention part)! But don’t assume that his/her desires, thoughts, and expectations are going to be right (he/she may lack competence)!
It is important to be able to differentiate between the intention (wanting to) and the competence (the ability to do so). The intention of the other is always to make us happy, just like we always have the intention of wanting the happiness of the other. But ours’, as well as the other’s competence is lacking, for which we have to accept responsibility to improve and work towards having the right understanding for this improvement.
In all our relationships, trust is the foundation. A relationship without trust result in opposition, the relationship itself gets shaken up. Lack of trust is what ultimately leads to an extreme situation like war.
Trust is thus called the foundation value.